the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
