This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
