took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
