I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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