My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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