I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
