It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
