Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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