You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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