Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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