Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
