i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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