I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
