NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
