I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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