I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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