Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
