Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
This house was built for laser tag.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize