She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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