A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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