Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
