I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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