how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
