I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
