Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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