What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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