everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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