this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
