i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
