So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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