Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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