youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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