I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize