you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
