I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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