I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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