You made me cry and you don't even care
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
