The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
