he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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