I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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