No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You don't make any sense
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