Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
