everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
