I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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