i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
