U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize