Already got asked if we're dating
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
