So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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