my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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