You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
