so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
