You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you traded sex for a burrito?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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