yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
