Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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