Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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