Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
