I didn't shave. On purpose
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
