If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
