his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize