the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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