Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
