remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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