I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
