i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
