Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
