I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
When are your genitals available?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
