i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
